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About Me

Age. 30
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. filipina/white
Location Newport News, VA
School. Other
» More info.
My Jamz
comin soon

January 2019

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Song: "Undissolvable"
Sunday. 6.17.07 4:25 am
When I wear a smile,
Sometimes others try
To bring me down for a while.
thinkin' fragile.
Jealous, maybe thinkin’
I still haven’t been hurt.
What they don’t know is
I can take the pressure
And revert.

Who has thicker skin,
One that wears a smile
On the outside.
Or one that wears their
Scars on the outside?

Sick of this world
Tryina’ take this innocence,
This love of mine,
This smile of mine.
What they don’t know
Is this heart
Undissolvable, is
All of mine.

A single look at me,
Thinkin’ she doesn’t know
Any better.
A second talk with me,
Wonderin’ how I tick.
Think they got it figured out,
Till I throw that curve ball

Who has more maturity,
One that stays quiet,
Holds it back, or the other
That lets the movements hang out?
Don’t they know what isn’t kind,
You should just hold back,
Because you can’t take it back.

Sick of this world
Tryina’ take this innocence,
This love of mine,
This smile of mine.
What they don’t know
Is this heart
Undissolvable, is
All of mine.

Nothin’ can take it away.
Can’t break me down.
Cuz it doesn’t matter where we’ve been,
But it matters where we goin.’
Can’t change someone,
That’s grown up some because
Of change.

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My Name Isn't Doormat
Wednesday. 2.14.07 11:13 am
Hey everyone, haven't been on in a long time! W0ops. Final exams and relationship drama was keeping me busy for a while, and just living life.

I wrote a poem, and sent it to the dude on Jan 27, to just say goodbye for now I suppose, because I can't take anymore brainless acts of immature guy behavior. I was with this guy for a year, and well the poem basicly explains what happened.

It's easy to say you care, and keep on kicking the person in the side with acts saying you don't. I think he's going through a wild boy phase, and I just need to stay away from all that. :o( I don't wanna stay home and cook, be last on his agenda, and he's out partying for number one, and hoz for number 2.

How I feel about him at this point to be honest is that I still love him, but what's the point in being with someone that isn't able to be in a state of mind or heart to return it just as much? That will still lie to my face for a month and counting about EVERYTHING. I feel that I did have strong feelings of loyalty towards him no matter what happened, but at this time, they're pointless. I'm not that happy without him, but I'm at peace. I feel that I chose my sanity over him, and that's what's significant I think. I don't have to worry about where he is, what he's doing, is he really with who he says, is he getting drunk tonight, is he gonna backstab me, is he messing with another girl. Because in the end, it just all doesn't matter, because I can't carry my burdens and his as well all by myself. I think I'm a strong person, but I'm not God-like, my name isn't Super Woman, there's only so much abuse a person can take before they either break, or have to remove the source that's creating the madness.

I truely believe in "If you love someone, let them go, if it comes back, then that's how you know it's for keeps, it's for sure."

I told him at one point I wouldn't care if he walked away, and out of my life because I have two feet I can stand on, and I know I can live life just fine, but I just might miss him, that's all. I guess I'm used to people, or guys being undependable, and you just gotta have the backbone not to crack, and not to die over the fact people will betray you when it happens right? My name isn't doormat.

"My Last Words To You"

Shouldn't the truth hurt?
It just gets annoying,
It doesn't hurt anymore.
Used to look at you like gold,
Realizing now you're fool's gold.

Everytime you get comfortable,
my name is Cinderella.
When I'm about to walk out the door,
your name is Prince Charming.
Tired of this false identity, fake life.

If we're together,
I'm a pawn in your pocket.
If someone else makes a move,
it's a game of how fast to sweep the Queen of her
feet again.
I thought love was for always, 24/7, no matter what.

When I'm not looking,
it's "what she don't know won't hurt her."
If I pay attention,
it's "she's bein' paranoid."
When I find out,
it's "lemme stretch the lies out so she won't know."
The fact is I don't have to know,
I feel it,
I knew it,
the whole time.

Usually curiousity kills,
in reality to me fear of the unknown
So now I'm happy that you're like the rest,
gettin drunk, messin around town,
unsure kinda' guys.
So typical, so dissapointing.

Prince Charming is instead Prince Disarming,
trying to get my guard down long enough,
to do it all over again.
Tryina have the cake of a single crazy life,
and eat the committed loving life too.
Having both is impossible, unfair.

I'm not able to let go because there's another,
it's because it's either you or no other.
Every dream it's the same mirage of a man,
Every nightmare it's the same reality of a monster.
Everytime I deserve to be number one, the only one,
The One, that's showered with everything you could offer.

I got this back as a response:

When I was younger, I once had a conversation with a man much more knowledgeable than me in the ways of life. A man whom I believed had an infinite amount of knowledge and what he said was infallible. He told me that during your life you will encounter what he referred to as "Three Great Ones." These "Three Great Ones" were women that you'd meet throughout your life, and as the name suggests, you'd only meet three of them your entire life. He told me that they'd come in no specific order and the first one will come too early, the second one will never look at you in that way, and the third leave too soon. He said that my goal as a man is to spot these three and either change myself for the first one so that she isn't too early, make the second one look at me in that way, or make the third stay. Now, he said, if I wasn't at a stable part in my life per say, where I cannot be the man that I should be and complete any of these three tasks, then it was my duty to walk away and not spoil that Great One for the rest of the world, for keeping her may cause her to change into something not worthy of that title. If one of these three come around when you're not man enough to face the challenge or task at hand, he told me, let them be, otherwise that would be the worst sin of all.

(which was conflicting b/c he still tried to contact me for a couple of days, but now he's stopped......)

Since then, we haven't said anything to each other. aww. :oP Hopefully time does heal all wounds.

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5. Clash Down for a Frown, in College you Can Drown
Tuesday. 11.21.06 2:05 am
End of my first semester in college is coming up. Like other students fresh out of high school, I'm tired of being broke. Parents are offering money if I go full time, but that idea doesn't satisfy my need to feel independent. It probably wouldn't be that much anyways. Part time is more relaxing, maybe with a part time job. I'm tempted to say put college on hold for a semester and work a full time job to save up money, because I've had it with 12 years and counting of being stuck in a desk being forced to listen to "an expert" with slides. I don't know quite what to do, but I know I don't want to live with my parents forever, and be broke for the next three and a half years.

Forget college loans, they need life loans for students! So, I'm really confused, don't really care about the "statistics" of how supposedly once you stop college, oh you won't go back till you're 35. That may be true, but I'd like to think that I'm the type of person that can have the discipline that can make the money for a semester, be happy, and go back over the summer or next fall. College is more of an investment isn't it, that doesn't pay off until you're done, and later? Well what if I invested in myself for the adventure of it? Then, maybe I'd be more happy with being in college.

I feel that I'll probably be more motivated, and just more satisfied by doing this. That I would have explored the outside world and gained a piece of it!

So I'm thinking, continue do Accounting 2 next semester before I forget it all, the Nooblet College Success Skills, and a couple of courses online for part time. That would be part time with about 12 credits, with a part time job. Either that or go full out with online/in person 18 or 20 credits to get it over with for the next few semesters. Or, once again, work full time, and wait till over the summer or next fall.

If anyone has some real life experience, or can relate, feel free to share! Help! haha.

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4. I Survived SAW 3
Monday. 11.6.06 1:20 am
mood: sleepy

listening to: Maroon 5 - Secret

watching: my full glass turn empty

Can't sleep at the moment, too busy studying, taking a break to write this all early in the monday mornin'. Friday, I stayed home sick from school, but by the evening I felt better. I had to also babysit my youngest sibling because of her getting a bug too. It was just as well, because my Dad was going to stay home with her if I didn't. Later on, I hung out with three different groups of people in one evening, one right after the other for particular important reasons, pretty crazy.

Saturday, I had dinner at Golden Corral with another group of friends and Rich. All I can eat buffets make me excited! :oD Then, creative photography time! I had a study buddy group meeting with classmates at Panera Bread. Luckily, one girl had coupons, so we got a crispani, an "anoerexic pizza" without cheese sauce for free! They wouldn't even offer pizza sauce on the side, claimed to have none, it was buttered thin cracker bread with cheese on top. We all shared it, talked about who's doing what, goofed off, but atleast we identified jobs so we wouldn't all give speeches on the exact same thing and bore the crowd.

Then, I went to the movies with Rich, as I was clinging onto everything between the car and the theater trying everything not to watch Saw 3. I even tried to offer just staying in the car and waiting till' it was all over. I dislike gory movies, and will avoid seeing violent bloody movies at all costs, haha. I have never seen any of the Saw movies until that night. I was pretty traumatized after watching it, the idea of the plot was fairly intriguing, but the images were not. The whole movie is very well thought out, but unfortunately very sick and twisted, or atleast to me. haha. I strongly don't recommend any kids seeing it. This movie does keep you at the edge of your seat, keeps you appauled at the thoughts of characters, and shocked of the scenes. It's a mystery unraveling throughout the movie, and I'm glad I survived to the ending, and didn't faint. This movie can probably trigger a few screams, barfing, or nightmares as a reaction, I warned you. LOL. XoP

I honestly think the people who wrote the script for that have mental issues, but maybe it's just me.

Finally, Sunday I woke up late from going to bed 2 AM the night before, and cleaned house a little bit. I helped in a new family hobby this afternoon, flower arrangements. Then, a new friend, and classmate David came over and we beat our brains with accounting. We got one chapter done, two more to review together tomorrow, for our final unit test Tuesday. Wish us luck! We also goofed off by talking about random things, watching a few videos on You Tube, and showing each other how we do "The Robot." hahahaha.

I tried to make some fresh food as a present for someone at 11 PM because that's when study buddies ended tonight, but got kicked out of the kitchen by grumpy parents. Key word, I tried! Now back to late night studying, and home made frappicuinos sadly. The closer to the end of the semester seems to get more hectic, and I get more restricted on my time. I wish there were more hours in a day!

Gnite everyone! I had a pretty darn good weekend, just wish there were more hours in a day.

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3. Friends, Not Time Heals All Wounds
Thursday. 11.2.06 9:50 pm
mood: relieved

listening to: a friend on my cell

watching: youtube

Yesterday was a pretty crumby day, but alas with my fingers crossed I think today was a lot better. Thanks everyone who hoped it would be for me too today. It was a rather slack day, didn't have school. Usually every morning lately I'm awakened by my sisters dragging their feet and whining that they have to go to school, but I woke up today peacefully. My mom ran out the door for work and said both my sisters were home "sick." haha.

I was thinking about my previous situation, what to do, how I miss this person, and how I just want to forgive. All I want to do is hear I'm sorry, then I can almost promise I'll be happy again, because maybe the situation just got out of hand from over excitement of the topic or something. I guess I've learned it's not healthy to hold grudges, and it doesn't solve anything.

Eventually a couple of my friends came over, so that really cheered me up. They were like, "Kathy we love you so much so we're gonna come over and hang out." I was like yay! We just sat around and talked, a little get together it was nice. If ya'll ever read this ya'll are great! We had a lot of fun, laughs over stupid stuff, and even shared Halloween candy together. Overall today was fun thanks to them.

Gnite every1!

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2. Unexpected Betrayal
Wednesday. 11.1.06 5:12 pm
mood: dissapointed, sad

listening to: nerd - she wants to move

watching: me type this :oP

I'm currently writing this for reflecting purposes hours later now that I'm slightly cooled off. Everything seemed to go along normally, woke up, got ready, and went to college. Everyone was done with their speeches in public speaking class, then we all started talking about our different views in our own groups over the topic our group picked specifically. I stated my opinion, and my family's on the issue, and the person or one of the people I trusted most in the world just started talking crap about my own mother. I wanted to throw some fists and some curse words, but I thought to myself, just block this person out, move along, whatever. It was one of those family secrets that you only tell your close friends or what not, and this person just spilled it, and it didn't even pertain to the actual topic in the class. I was like what in the world?!?! Is that really neccessary? I told this person off, and walked out of the class since it was over.

I felt it was a personal attack, instead of just debating over the topic, it rose to another level.

I love my family, I know they're not perfect, everyone has issues, but it just hurts that someone that I really care about would go to such lengths to try to degrade me in public just to try to somehow TRY to prove their point in this topic. Is it right to spill your friend or gf/bf's family secrets/issues/problems just to TRY to give yourself more credibility?

I couldn't even focus in my next class I was so frustrated. I wouldn't even look at this person I was so dissapointed. I could hardly sit in the same room and breathe the same air as this person, so I had to stay out of class for the first five minutes. I've been pretty grumpy all day, but I'm glad I can vent it out here on this new awesome site. haha.

Well I think I might feel slightly better after writing this, and I'm gonna go hang out with my family, maybe go shopping or atleast dinner time. haha. Gnite every1, hope your day was better than mine. <3

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