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kathyjane
Age. 35
Gender. Female
Ethnicity. filipina/white
Location Newport News, VA
School. Other
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My Name Isn't Doormat
Wednesday. 2.14.07 11:13 am
Hey everyone, haven't been on in a long time! W0ops. Final exams and relationship drama was keeping me busy for a while, and just living life.

I wrote a poem, and sent it to the dude on Jan 27, to just say goodbye for now I suppose, because I can't take anymore brainless acts of immature guy behavior. I was with this guy for a year, and well the poem basicly explains what happened.

It's easy to say you care, and keep on kicking the person in the side with acts saying you don't. I think he's going through a wild boy phase, and I just need to stay away from all that. :o( I don't wanna stay home and cook, be last on his agenda, and he's out partying for number one, and hoz for number 2.

How I feel about him at this point to be honest is that I still love him, but what's the point in being with someone that isn't able to be in a state of mind or heart to return it just as much? That will still lie to my face for a month and counting about EVERYTHING. I feel that I did have strong feelings of loyalty towards him no matter what happened, but at this time, they're pointless. I'm not that happy without him, but I'm at peace. I feel that I chose my sanity over him, and that's what's significant I think. I don't have to worry about where he is, what he's doing, is he really with who he says, is he getting drunk tonight, is he gonna backstab me, is he messing with another girl. Because in the end, it just all doesn't matter, because I can't carry my burdens and his as well all by myself. I think I'm a strong person, but I'm not God-like, my name isn't Super Woman, there's only so much abuse a person can take before they either break, or have to remove the source that's creating the madness.

I truely believe in "If you love someone, let them go, if it comes back, then that's how you know it's for keeps, it's for sure."

I told him at one point I wouldn't care if he walked away, and out of my life because I have two feet I can stand on, and I know I can live life just fine, but I just might miss him, that's all. I guess I'm used to people, or guys being undependable, and you just gotta have the backbone not to crack, and not to die over the fact people will betray you when it happens right? My name isn't doormat.

"My Last Words To You"

Shouldn't the truth hurt?
It just gets annoying,
It doesn't hurt anymore.
Used to look at you like gold,
Realizing now you're fool's gold.

Everytime you get comfortable,
my name is Cinderella.
When I'm about to walk out the door,
your name is Prince Charming.
Tired of this false identity, fake life.

If we're together,
I'm a pawn in your pocket.
If someone else makes a move,
it's a game of how fast to sweep the Queen of her
feet again.
I thought love was for always, 24/7, no matter what.

When I'm not looking,
it's "what she don't know won't hurt her."
If I pay attention,
it's "she's bein' paranoid."
When I find out,
it's "lemme stretch the lies out so she won't know."
The fact is I don't have to know,
I feel it,
I knew it,
the whole time.

Usually curiousity kills,
in reality to me fear of the unknown
kills.
So now I'm happy that you're like the rest,
gettin drunk, messin around town,
unsure kinda' guys.
So typical, so dissapointing.

Prince Charming is instead Prince Disarming,
trying to get my guard down long enough,
to do it all over again.
Tryina have the cake of a single crazy life,
and eat the committed loving life too.
Having both is impossible, unfair.

I'm not able to let go because there's another,
it's because it's either you or no other.
Every dream it's the same mirage of a man,
Every nightmare it's the same reality of a monster.
Everytime I deserve to be number one, the only one,
The One, that's showered with everything you could offer.

I got this back as a response:

When I was younger, I once had a conversation with a man much more knowledgeable than me in the ways of life. A man whom I believed had an infinite amount of knowledge and what he said was infallible. He told me that during your life you will encounter what he referred to as "Three Great Ones." These "Three Great Ones" were women that you'd meet throughout your life, and as the name suggests, you'd only meet three of them your entire life. He told me that they'd come in no specific order and the first one will come too early, the second one will never look at you in that way, and the third leave too soon. He said that my goal as a man is to spot these three and either change myself for the first one so that she isn't too early, make the second one look at me in that way, or make the third stay. Now, he said, if I wasn't at a stable part in my life per say, where I cannot be the man that I should be and complete any of these three tasks, then it was my duty to walk away and not spoil that Great One for the rest of the world, for keeping her may cause her to change into something not worthy of that title. If one of these three come around when you're not man enough to face the challenge or task at hand, he told me, let them be, otherwise that would be the worst sin of all.

(which was conflicting b/c he still tried to contact me for a couple of days, but now he's stopped......)

Since then, we haven't said anything to each other. aww. :oP Hopefully time does heal all wounds.

2 Comments.


that's right! you are worth more than just being someone elses foot stool or door mat! Show him that your life still goes on without him.
» kKAMa67 on 2007-02-14 12:27:09

awwww wow.
Gotta hand it to u. Letting go is hard but i guess u did it. =)
i have nothing against men. but men like him make me sad...how they take women for granted...as if we're just things..tsk

"If you love someone, let them go, if it comes back, then that's how you know it's for keeps, it's for sure."
- So agreeing to this. =)

And yes, time does heal all wounds.
» frostbitten on 2007-02-14 03:33:25

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